I’m often scared and tired at the same time;
I constantly wonder if I did something wrong or if other people are mad at me;
I do look for reassurance, but I don’t want others to think I’m annoying or needy;
I have a deep fear of failure, but I often lack the motivation to be productive;
I fantasize about how I would want a relationship to be;
I would love to have a tight-knit group of friends, but I wouldn’t say I like socializing;
I often feel as if I’m out of place;
I enjoy alone time, but I don’t like feeling lonely;
I fixate on the worst-case scenario;
I say sorry even when it’s not my fault;
I often feel like a burden to others;
I often feel overwhelmed about the future;
I overthink and dwell on the smallest things;
I get overwhelmed, burnt out, irritated;
I constantly feel behind in life;
I know what to do but I don’t know how to give myself that push;
I feel everything and nothing at the same time.
And when things get even tougher…
I zone out a lot;
I snap at even the most minor things;
I grip firmly at whatever is closest to me;
I need more reassurance;
I play with my fingers;
And through it all…
I promise I’m trying.
I’m trying to be the best version of myself I can be.
I’m working on healing.
I can’t guarantee that I can eliminate all of these thoughts and feelings, especially not all at once and within a couple of months.
But to anyone who comes into my circle, please know that I’m trying.
And I ask for your patience and understanding.
Because it’s become a challenge to welcome new people into my life.
And when I do…
It means that I’m willing to let a couple of layers of my walls down when I’m with them and that they are someone I would be afraid to lose.