Burnouts

I never knew I was going through burnout until I expressed to a close friend what I’ve been feeling lately, and they mentioned this.

In a way, I was glad that I was not simply feeling lazy or depressed.

I was getting worried about what was causing me to think and act in ways that I thought were nothing but felt like something.

For over a month, I just felt like I was in a robot-like state. I was doing things, but I felt like my mind was somewhere else. I was making conversations, but they felt scripted. It was as if someone tied strings around me and I easily followed along. It was as if I was daydreaming, except I was dreaming in reality if that makes sense.

Simulation! That’s the word that best describes my daze-like state.

I would have movies and TV shows playing, but they’re often repeated. And it’s not like I was fully paying attention to the shows anyway. I felt myself simply staring and barely giving any reactions.

I would also just feel extremely exhausted even though I didn’t do any physical activities.

But it was difficult to sleep because I was kept up by the silence of my mind. And to think that would’ve been such a blessing to have, but I guess it’s different when one behavior is already exceeding the other.

I would get about 4-5 hours of sleep every night, and sometimes when I’m lucky enough to get some shut-eye during the day, I would wake up feeling like a hundred trucks had run over me.

I don’t even know where to begin with my work. I think those were the times I was forcing myself to get it together and write blog-worthy posts.

Honestly, I believe that that’s the root of my burnout.

I began blogging because I love to write. To further survive in the human world, I also needed money. So, I decided to combine what I love with what I need. Eventually, the pressure of making a living from doing what I love got to my head to the point that I lost sight of why I began doing what I did in the first place.

 I’ve been so occupied with gaining success that I forgot what I was writing for. I forgot how fun writing was (still is), and that this is my blog, meaning that I can honestly write whatever topic I choose, and my writing will attract the readers that are meant to see them.

And so once I took a moment to reflect on my behaviors and actions this last month, I knew I needed to get out of whatever I was in and get back in touch with my roots.

I went out into my favorite part of nature – the beach. I sat on my beach towel on the sand, placed my feet below the sand, and stared into the sunset.

For 30 minutes.

It was not much, but I already felt like my old self was coming back to me. The self that first realized how much she loves writing. The self that would get excited when she wrote from her imagination. The self that believed in herself and her abilities as a writer, dreamer, and human.

I continued doing other things that I love outside of work for a week. This includes writing, but not for my blog. I wrote to myself for myself. I wrote my thoughts, my feelings, my goals. I free-wrote.

I wrote for fun again.

And I was feeling the spark ignite within me again.

I understand that burnout may come back, but when it does, I’ll be reminded that I’ve been focused on something for far too long that it’s disconnected my mind from my heart and soul, and I need to do something to bring them back together.