Dear Little One,
Your tiny giggles and bountiful laughter would fill up the entire room as you glowed in pure innocence. Magical adventures, infinite curiosity, and wholesome affection protected your whole being, and you saw the world with so much awe and wonder.
I’m so sorry to have stripped all of those away from you.
Little one, as the years went by, you held on to me so tight as a reminder to never leave you. But I wasn’t strong enough. I had to let go of your hand so you wouldn’t be tainted by the darkness that began to consume the both of us.
I needed to protect you just as much as you wanted to protect me.
Yet, even when I thought you were no longer around, I felt you at the very back of my mind – seeing, hearing, and feeling everything.
Suddenly, the world you grew up in became a world so unfamiliar.
There were many sleepless, tearful nights. Eventually, the dark crept its way to what little light there was left, manifesting itself in the forms of depression and unhappy thoughts.
It was years of feeling entirely alone, misunderstood, rejected, and outcasted.
It was years of perfecting the idea of applying natural make-up, as no one saw past the cover. No one dared to open the colorful packaging that was holding dark pigmentations of misery, anger, self-loathing, jealousy, and sadness. No one noticed the tiny sharp fragments peeking out from your skin, as you silently battle the agonizing piercings you can never seem to remove.
And you weren’t even 20 years old.
Little one, you not only held on to your inner battles, but you also held on to people you thought would be in your life forever. You were constantly thinking, hoping, that they’d return to you and you’d go back to being who you once were. You kept looking back at old pictures, wondering what went wrong. You questioned if you were the problem.
You wondered how someone you’d consistently talked to every day suddenly just… stopped. All those promises made just disappeared, and you’re left standing in the same spot looking at those people quickly vanishing from your life. You still see them, thanks to social media. And sometimes, you have the urge to message them and ask how they’re doing.
But, you never did.
Little one, when you once lived in the present moment, you began locking yourself in your dark past and unknown future. You always were the type that when you wanted something, it’s hard to change your mind from going after it. And when you’d want to cry, you’d think of your dark past. When you’d want to be stressed, you’d think of your unknown future.
Your favorite phrase was “What if?” What if this happened instead of that? What if you can’t make it? What if you did this instead of that? What if you spoke your mind? What if you listened or didn’t listen? What if you’re going to end up failing in life? What if you don’t end up doing something you love? What if you can’t do this?
What if you show your authentic self?
Who is your authentic self?
Little one, you knew you were suffering, but you didn’t know that you were the cause of your grief.
You wore a mask not to protect yourself from the outside world, but to protect the world from you. From the being, you strongly believed yourself to be but allowed it to collide with your true identity.
You’ve endured a victim mentality for years, but you’ve gone so far down this mindset that the extent of this reality turned into an illusion so distorted that you never realized you were the primary perpetrator.
At some point, I thought that darkness would win and you’d be gone forever.
But someway, somehow, the light started glowing again.
Little one, you’ve been through so much, and I’m so sorry that it took so long to hold your hand again.
Yes, you’ve been hurt, and you’ve hurt others. You’ve been rejected. You’ve continued to lose people you thought would be in your life forever. You’ve continued to be embarrassed, doubtful, worried, jealous, and afraid.
But, do me a favor. I want you to place your hand on top of your heart. Do you feel it beating?
If so, then I’ll gladly tell you that you’re human.
Sweetheart, human beings are the most complicated species in the world. Not only do we have to survive, but we have to feel as well.
And the three things you’ll learn to love about being a human are that we’re constantly healing, learning, and growing.
You were in so much pain that it took you a while to see all the blessings and lessons you’ve been receiving.
Little one, no one dared open your make-up packaging because you had to open it first. You had to know what colors define your every being. You had to understand them. You had to believe in them. Most of all, you had to love them. They’ve been covered in dust for so long that it’s going to take a while for each of them to fully showcase who they are, and that’s okay. Similar to being friends with someone for 7+ years and still learning things about them, you’re always going to constantly discover who you are because just like the world, your entire being has many hidden layers that will be revealed only when you’re ready.
Little one, people left your life because it was time for them to leave. The purpose you had with each other had been fulfilled, and it was time to follow your own destined paths without each other. It hurts, I know. When you’ve thought about time being spent with certain people just to be left in the dust. But, you weren’t left in the dust, were you? You were simply being directed towards something else. The moments you had together were special and kept in your memories because you spent them together, and nothing will ever change that.
Know that you’ll continue having even more special moments with others who might also leave your life, or who might stay forever. The most important person you have to keep with you at all times is yourself. No one else is going to define your path for you. Not your happiness. There will be people who will help you when you’re down, but you’re still the one in control of actually getting up. Spoiler alert: you’ll be meeting people who are so different from you, but they’ll end up being some of your biggest inspirations and motivators. Any time invested in others is special. You may not always have control over who stays or leaves your life, but promise me that you’ll still cherish every moment you have with each other.
Little one, live in the present moment. It’s great to daydream and reminisce about your past, but don’t allow it to be an hourly habit of yours that you overlook all the blessings happening in your life at the current moment. You never knew any better about what you know now and what you’ll continue to learn for the rest of your life. Things happened, and even though you’d constantly wish for different outcomes, it won’t happen. I’m sorry, but those events had to happen for you to learn from them.
Remember, you’re human. Humans make mistakes. Mistakes are a part of our reality, and you’ll keep making mistakes even when you’re 90 years old because you’ll be experiencing even more situations – situations you may have yet to go through at that age. And that’s okay. Sweetheart, the future is the future. It hasn’t happened yet, so why do you stress so much about it? Yes, it’s good to have plans and goals, but you have to give lots of space on how they’re going to be achievable. Life happens and situations change. Situations that are completely out of your control, so you must not keep trying to be in so much control of how you want your future to happen. The only thing you can do each day is to simply live in those exact moments and look forward to today – not tomorrow.
Once you start getting out of your head and being more in the present, you’ll be able to focus more on your goals as you’re taking things one at a time, and eventually, you’ll get to where you want to be in life. All the accomplishments and adventures you’ve had since you were young will come true. Some may not be in the ways you expected them to be, but it’s perfect.
As you reached your 20s, every hardship you had endured, you were blessed with abundance. Abundance in every aspect of life that you never saw coming. Family, friends, experiences, love, and knowledge. Through all of this, you slowly began uncovering the layers that were hidden years ago. You started knowing, understanding, believing, and loving them.
You began following your dreams, began accepting your flaws, and are constantly working on improving yourself.
You began listening to your wart and leading with your mind.
You began looking at life as your playground where you’ll fall and falter the first time, but then you’d tell yourself “It’s okay. It happens,” and get right back up.
That’s what’s best about you, you know. Your tenacity in growing and wanting to step up your abilities. You were always so passionate about surpassing your previous goals that you end up delivering more than what you set up for your current purposes.
Speaking of passion…
Little one, did you know how much passion was inside you? When it was first found, it was trapped by a band-aid as tall as the Eiffel Tower. Next thing you knew, you let your creativity flow, and passion suddenly burst within you so fast that you had to keep up with the expansive boom of ideas, inspiration, goals, and mindset.
That was something that had to be uncovered on its own too, wasn’t it?
To this day, you continue to surprise me with your abilities. What used to be black and white is now covered in a multitude of colors. You still doubt the way to go, but I now do not have a doubt in my mind that you can make it.
And little one, because you’ve experienced so much pain in your life, you’ve unknowingly hardened your heart. You’ve built a wall so much bigger and tougher than the Great Wall of China. It became difficult for you to open up to others and trust them. Please know that you are surrounded by people who deeply care for you, and more people will be arriving soon. Please be patient and continue working on yourself for now as they make their way towards you.
Please don’t give up on love either. You’re still learning what it means to love yourself and experience life on your own. You’re understanding what it’s like to value yourself more each day. You’re strengthening your compassion towards those you care about. You’re still uncovering your layers and loving every part of you. You’re building your solid foundation and being the person you’d want your future kids to greatly look up to and be proud of. Someone out there is doing the same thing, and when you meet him, I hope you’ll find that the wait was so much worth it.
One final thing I’d love to leave you with, little one, is a reminder to stop comparing your journey with others. You came into this life as one entity with a specific end goal – your legacy. You may share similar destinies with others, but how you get there is different from everyone else’s. You’ve seen your schoolmates posting photos of them being so successful in life, whether with experiences, careers, or family, and I feel your sadness and jealousy. I hear your thoughts about not having those blessings in life, but that’s because it’s not your time to experience them yet. I wish I had the answer to your “why,” but unfortunately even I don’t know just yet. All I do know is that we must keep pushing forward. We must continue working on our goals and ourselves without worrying about when certain blessings are coming our way, and focus on the belief that they will come our way.
You’re undeniably strong.
You’re powerfully passionate.
You’re wholeheartedly loved.
You’re uniquely you.
There’s magic all around and within you. You’ve just got to…
Keep being curious,
Keep being adventurous &
Keep being inspired & take care always.
Your Older Self