The soul killer.
I’ve allowed guilt to torture me over and over again.
I was slowly dying inside and when I look back at the years of when I was being tortured, all I saw was pain and suffering.
Of course, no one else saw anything different – unless I said something.
I couldn’t believe I allowed myself to suffer so much that the guilt I harbored had taken over every aspect of my life and of myself.
I know I wasn’t the best person out there, but I’m still not the best. I have a lot more healing and learning that I need to do.
I also know that since those terrible years, I have been learning and growing, and trying my best to be a better version of myself every single day.
Unfortunately, the guilt continued to stay, and I still try to find ways to punish myself through sabotage, skepticism, and hatred – all within and towards myself.
It’s getting tiring, though.
Now that I’m thinking more about all of this, I feel that my karma was me believing that I needed to carry all of this baggage throughout the years when I was free to let them go a long time ago.
Sometimes I feel like in order for me to move forward and heal is to get closure, but I know there are some instances where the closure will never happen, and accepting the fact is also an acceptable form of healing.
In fact, when I look at situations in which I was the one who got hurt, I never received closure for any of them, but I realized I had already moved past them because I found no reason to still hold on to them when they’ve happened years ago.
Sometimes I can’t even remember what someone did that ended up being the cause of our rift.
What I regret doing was allowing those situations and the pain I felt from them to harden my heart and lose the innocence and trustworthiness I would have had for any future forms of friendships.
I know I need to let go of the guilt.
The only real crime I committed from the guilt I’ve been harboring was the attempted murder of my mind, my body, and my soul.
I am not happy with some things from my past, but I want a happy future.
And in order to achieve this, I need to release everything in the past that make me feel less than myself and only keep the memories where I was truly happy, curious, and at peace.
Of course, I realize that the memories can come and go, but no longer will I allow the guilt of the not-so-great ones to take control of my thoughts, my feelings, and my days.