These never-ending trespassers do not seem to know the meaning of ‘Keep Out.’ They are persistent – ruthless, even, to the point of scarring me with memories of the past. Memories I had failed to realize were still haunting me to this day without cause. I find myself falling into another pit of despair. Confused. I thought I climbed out of there a long time ago. False hopes. Why now? Why when the light was conquering the darkness.
Happiness. It felt nice. Even if I touched it for just a day.
Yet, whenever the sun bids its farewells, the moon seems to glow brighter with whispers unlocking the shadows that have been buried away. As beautiful as it is, if I don’t give it what it wants, it will always come back with the intent to destroy a soul that’s been blooming with life, acceptance, confidence, and willpower. I still hear their mocking in the middle of the night.
My mind struggles to stay silent. The beating of the thoughts gets louder and louder and louder and goes faster and faster and faster. I’m constantly reliving every trial and tribulation that I thought no longer harmed me. The guilt. It is still weighing on me. My wrongdoings. They still leave me questioning the integrity of my soul. I’m no murderer. But with the shadows looming over, it’s as if they’re happily witnessing a murder. Only, the predator and its prey are connected by the same face. The same body. The same being.
My heart is crying. Aching. It’s confusing. Should it give up or keep going? Why must it go through such destruction for as long as it has been beating? It used to be surrounded by light. And then, the shadows began taking over. But, my heart refused to let them get to it for so long. It’s sealed itself behind iron-clad walls to keep the shadows from entering. Sure, it was still dark inside, but the whispers. They seemed to be quieter in there. In a way, my heart felt safer behind those walls than it had been in years.
My soul is silent. Observing. Because inside its very being, it knows. It knows what needs to be done. It knows what the moon wants. And it also understands. It understands that there is no easy way around this. It understands that this is a battle between mind and heart. My soul sees beneath the moon’s surface. It’s uncovered the moon’s true purpose in this physical body’s life. It feels the pain. The pain in my mind. The pain of my heart. And the pain of the moon. The moon, it had never meant to harm me.
The moon was never the enemy.
The shadows were never the enemy.
So, what does the moon want? I thought I knew. I thought I’d been abiding by its wishes. Maybe I’ve been doing it wrong. Maybe there’s more to what I’ve been doing. There is more beyond the surface. More beyond what I thought was the solution. Looking at it now, I realized how simple everything seemed to have been for me to figure out and move past.
I didn’t want to listen to the gentle voices of my heart that the bigger the shift in life, I needed a different kind of strength that only I could figure out on my own. There are lending ears and warm hugs, but to understand how to move forward permanently, my feet need to wander through various terrains on their own. And although I’d be physically on my own, inside the iron box with my heart are the memories and higher selves of those who have always been there for me, in the physical and spiritual realms. Through their love and support, I can and will obtain the strength to release the shadows that were branded on me by the moon.
The battle is far from over.
The shadows are nowhere near giving up.
My heart is still safe.
My soul is present. It will be there when I need it. Guiding me. Assisting me whenever possible.
Nothing is lost.
Everything is changing.
The shadows. They will always be around. Lingering. Waiting to be called upon by my false desire to live in despair and guilt.
The moon. It knows all of my secrets. And memories. The ones I want to forget. The ones I struggle to keep. It is deviant. It knows when to strike. Its beauty hides its never-ending lust for the truth. Because even in the darkest shadows, the moon sees through it all.
The sun. I can’t wait to feel it again. So gentle. So accepting. So loving. A reminder that I can make it through the heaviest rainstorms. A smile. A longing that I will eventually reach. As I allow the sun to consume me, even as it stands behind the moon, I’ll eventually look up towards the dark sky and feel the serenity that is waiting to embrace my soul.