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A tear streams down my face.
Soon, the rest of its infantry follows.
I throw my phone across the room;
No longer wanting to see them.
Why do they get to have what I want?
Why do they get to be super happy?
Why can’t I be like them?
I excelled in school.
I stayed away from drugs.
I’m a good person, dammit!
Have I not done my good deeds to society?
Am I going to live the rest of my life being karma’s sidekick?
And the good kind of karma, at that?
I’ve done my due diligence.
Where’s my reward?
Why must I continue working hard to receive nothing,
Whilst others get to do nothing and receive everything?
I’m having my photos taken.
It feels great to be appreciated by someone again.
I feel like nothing will ruin this happiness.
Well, until…
I saw them.
They look so joyful.
So carefree.
It’s as if the world is their playground, planning to play for eternity.
Suddenly, I can feel it.
I can taste it.
I can see it.
Right in front of me.
On the screen.
I’m smiling, but my eyes convey the truth.
They’re taunting me.
Telling me that I can never reach their level.
That I’m not good.
They’re saying that no matter how hard I try,
I see a young girl riding a brand-new bicycle.
Her contagious laughter and smile brighten my mood.
She seems so carefree.
As if she has won the lottery.
She’s the happiest little girl I’ve seen in a long time.
Suddenly, she is blocked by another girl.
I stand up.
Arms crossed.
Wanting to intervene and protect the little girl if needed.
I was too late.
The little girl is on the ground.
Her new bike and the other girl are nowhere to be found.
I approach the little girl and kneel down.
I inspect her for injuries,
And sigh in relief when I find none.
Instead, she is feeling a different type of pain.
Pain that I want to take from her.
She deserves that bike.
She loves that bike.
She would’ve taken immense care of it.
Now,
It’s gone.
I open a box of markers.
I look all around me,
And I release a breath.
I get up and start walking to my destination.
Markers in hand,
I begin to write.
And I write.
And I write.
When I’m done, I stand in the middle of the room.
I twirl once,
Twice,
Three times.
I smile.
I feel butterflies in my stomach.
I lay on the floor.
Ankles crossed.
Hands resting on top of my stomach.
I look around me.
And I really look.
All that I own is a part of me.
All that I own did not have to be mine.
But, they are.
They didn’t magically appear.
They’re not the cheapest,
Nor the most expensive items in the world.
But, they give me a sense of comfort.
A sense of fulfillment.
A sense of gratitude.
I may have nothing I want now,
But I have everything to keep me going.
I may not like where I am now,
But I like where I am going.
I may not have focused on the important things in my past,
I smile softly to myself.
I feel a sense of serenity.
A sense of relief.
Gratitude.
I was blinded by the things I lacked.
The things I thought I deserved.
Always turning my back on those who
Do not even come close to what I have.
But,
I’m starting to see things now.
I’m starting to let go of the wants.
The desires.
It takes a strong person to admit defeat.
But it takes an even stronger person to
A tear streams down my face.
Soon, the rest of its infantry follows.
I hold my phone tightly against my chest;
No longer having the urge to see them.
They deserve what they have.
They get to be super happy.
I’ll wish them nothing but the best.
I’ll continue doing good deeds for society.
I’ll allow karma to do her job.
I’ll continue doing my due diligence.
I’ll always be working hard without expecting anything in return,
Whilst hoping that others receive everything they deserve.
